McCain Jokes

"This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, the Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land." –Conan O'Brien


"John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I'm thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?" --David Letterman


"Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One." --Conan O'Brien


"And John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he's someplace else. He's got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he'll meet with the public. Yeah, it's all part of McCain's 'Speak Up, I Can't Hear You' tour." --Conan O'Brien


"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain have all been arguing, claiming that they're the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. Yeah, McCain said, 'I'm the most qualified, because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway.'" --Conan O'Brien


"Congratulations to John McCain, he wrapped up the Republican nomination this week. And we know this is official now because Mike Huckabee dropped out and said he was joining forces with John McCain. Oh, great, you've got one guy who doesn't believe in evolution, and another guy who remembers it." --Bill Maher


Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don't want to take sides here, but I think it's pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of, John McCain." --Jay Leno


"The New York Times says that John McCain had a close, personal relationship with a beautiful, young, female lobbyist. Do you believe this? Think about it. A senator, who's a Republican having sex with a woman." --Jay Leno

"The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it's known among lobbyists, lobbying." --Amy Poehler (I like that one because one of my best friends is a lobbyist).

Obama jokes

"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born." --Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama's Middle East trip


"Obama's camp initially agreed that the cartoon was, quote, tasteless and offensive. Really? You know what your response should have been? It's very easy. Here, let me put the statement out for you. Barack Obama is in no way upset about the cartoon that depicts him as a Muslim extremist, because you know who gets upset about cartoons? Muslim extremists. Of which Barack Obama is not. It's just a f**king cartoon." --Jon Stewart, on the New Yorker Cartoon controversy


"Barack Obama gave a speech in Germany and 200,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case." --Craig Ferguson


"I'm sure you know by now, Jesse Jackson was overheard saying, and I'll put this more delicately, that he wanted to cut Barack Obama's testicles off. And Jesse has been on several news programs the last couple of days, explaining what he meant by those comments. Do you need to explain that?" --Jay Leno


"Insiders claim that even though Jesse Jackson supports Barack Obama publicly for president, privately he doesn't like him. You know, it's kind of like Bill with Hillary." --Jay Leno


"Jesse Jackson also said he thought Barack Obama was talking down to black people by lecturing on things like fatherhood and being a responsible husband. Jesse thought it was insulting, not only to him, but to his former mistress and their lovechild." --Jay Leno


"Barack Obama is now denying that he is email pals with the beautiful actress, Scarlett Johansson. Remember that story? They were saying that Scarlett Johansson and Barack Obama were emailing each other. He says no, it's not true. In fact his exact words were 'I did not have textual relations with that woman.'" --Jay Leno


"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton campaigned for the first time together in Unity, New Hampshire, today. Isn't that cute? Unity, New Hampshire. For real. Their tour goes from Unity to Tolerate, Rhode Island; and Getting on My Nerves, Virginia; and then Crazy Makeup Sex, California." --Jimmy Kimmel


"Hey, have you heard this story that Barack Obama and Scarlett Johansson are apparently e-mail buddies? Scarlett Johansson is quoted as saying, 'My heart belongs to Barack Obama.' How about that, huh? Barack's not even president yet, still doing waaay better than Bill Clinton ever did." --Jay Leno


"Hillary Clinton said if her pastor had made the comments that Reverend Wright had made, she would have left that church. Interesting distinction she makes. She also says if her pastor had been blown by Monica Lewinsky, she would have stayed." --Bill Maher

Message Board Confessional

I'll start the madness. Forgive me Father TG, for I have sinned....today I parked in a "10 minute limit" parking spot. I was there way more than 10 minutes.

Fantasy Football!!

I've set up a DaBears league on Yahoo. There are 12 spots, first come first serve, it's open to anyone. Directions to sign up are below.

A few notes:

- It will be an auto draft. You can pre-rank your players. The draft will be the weekend before the regular season starts.

- No cost to join. We are playing for the love of the game.

- Smack talk is not only permitted, but encouraged.

- Please use your DaBears signon name for your team name. Otherwise we will be wondering who is playing.

- Bring it!





You have been invited to join 's custom league in Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football.

In order to join the league, follow the link above or go to game front page, click the "Sign Up Now" or "Get Another Team" button and follow the links to "Join a Custom League". When prompted, enter the League ID# and password below.

League ID#: 392339
Password: Bears

We will send you a confirmation with further details once you have completed the registration process.

--Fantasy Football Commissioner

Archuletta signs with Raiders

Raiders agree to terms with Archuleta
By JOSH DUBOW, AP Sports Writer
1 hour, 50 minutes ago

Buzz Up Print
In this July 29, 2007 file pho…

AP - Aug 11, 5:39 pm EDT NFL Gallery NAPA, Calif. (AP)—The Oakland Raiders signed Adam Archuleta to a contract on Monday in a move to add depth to their defense.

Archuleta was at the Raiders facility Monday morning and left with trainer Rod Martin to take a physical. Archuleta was expected to take part in the night practice. Oakland released safety Greg Wesley to make room on the roster.

Archuleta has been a safety in the NFL but played linebacker in college at Arizona State. He could contend for a spot as a backup safety or for the starting strong side linebacker job in Oakland.

Ricky Brown, Robert Thomas and Sam Williams are competing for the starting role at linebacker alongside Kirk Morrison and Thomas Howard.

Coach Lane Kiffin said after the morning practice that he wanted to bring more players into camp to create more competition for jobs and improve the team’s depth.

“It’s been a situation that unfortunately, we haven’t brought guys in,” he said. “I control what I can control, come out every day and get our guys as good as we can. I’m pleased with the top of our roster but we need to add to the bottom of our roster. We need more competition.”

Archuleta was cut in May by Chicago after one disappointing season with the Bears. He broke a hand early last season and started in just 10 of the 15 games in which he appeared. He lost his starting job to Brandon McGowan and finished the season on special teams.

“He’s a great guy with talent, a good nose for the ball, he brings a lot to the game. I’m excited to have him here,” said Thomas, who played with Archuleta in St. Louis. “He can cover tight ends, play defense, play the run, so I’m excited to have him.”

Archuleta, a first-round pick by St. Louis in 2001, has been known throughout his career as a hard-hitting tackler who has struggled at times in coverage in the secondary.

His career has gone downhill since signing as a free agent with Washington in 2006. He received the largest contract given to a safety, $30 million for six years, with a $10 million bonus. But he ended up starting only seven games and played mostly on special teams before being traded the following year to Chicago for a sixth-round draft pick.

Archuleta has started 86 of his 103 games in the NFL, making 423 solo tackles and intercepting four passes.

Wesley was signed the week before training camp to provide a boost to the secondary but was limited by a back injury before being released.