Thread: Story time.... with Loki

True story of Loki’s humiliation… I’ll try to translate military terms to civilian usage for those that are military-impaired….

I was LPO (middle management supervision) of an activity that did many things, but one of them was we issued armed forces ID cards to active duty, dependents, retiree’s, etc… I have 60 some people working for me, but only 4 in this particular section. It’s lunch, Friday… I hear my clerk telling her customer “Ummm…. I’ll have to check with Petty Officer Chaos (that's me!) about that” (name changed to protect the soon to be humiliated).

She comes back to my office and says she has a problem issuing an ID card. “Why” sayeth I, literally asking for my doom. “She’s a nut” is the answer I get. Ok…. I’m off to the desk…

“HI… I’m Petty Officer Chaos… How can I help you?”

“I need an ID card”.

“I understand that. Can I get your ID card application or expired/mutiliated ID card?”

“I don’t have it”

“May I ask why?” (And yes, EC… I’m very profession at work… at first!)

“Because I’ve been in a coma”. (Ok, not the strangest thing I’ve heard at this job.)

“Ok, can I get your sponsor’s SSN so I can verify eligibility?”

“I don’t know it”

“Again, may I ask why?”

“Because the coma was induced by the aliens who erased my memory”

“But you remember that you are entitled to an ID card?”

“Yes, I was married to Sailor Name for 16 years before I was abducted”

“Ok, how long ago was that?”

“25 years ago”

“Ok, so 25 years ago, you had been married for 16 years and you were abducted by aliens?” By now… I can see the other customers slowly scrunching forward or to the side trying to better listen. “How long were you with the aliens?”

“10 years”

“So you were released 6 years ago. Where have you been?”

“I just recently remembered that I was married and should have an ID card.”

“Ok, where is your husband?”

“He had a divorce filed after my 5th year of abduction and has since died."

“Ok… please wait here, I’m going to go talk to the officer in charge”

Open door…. Close door. “Sir, I’ve got a loony out here”. I explain story, he says to bring her in. I retrieve her.

Open door. LEAVE DOOR OPEN (thank god!!!).

I explain the situation to the OIC. Loony nods at the appropriate places, and officer asks the right questions, then the fun starts…

“Ma’am, you’ll have to admit this is a really strange scenario.”

“You think I’m lying? Here, then WHAT IS THIS”… and she stands up, turns around, pulls her skirt up over her head, bends over and moons the officer and I with her bare ass while screaming “They did alien probes and experiments on me. SEE THOSE SCARS? SEE WHAT THEY DID TO ME?” while me and the officer have our hands up over our eyes, panicing because she is YELLING, the door is OPEN and the administrative assistant is looking thru one of those little windows that sometimes connect bosses and their secretary offices. I’m scrambling to close the door, the OIC is yelling “don’t touch the door” and “Ma’am would you SIT DOWN”. She does. The level of conversation outside the office has gotten loud with people gawking, laughing, etc…

She fixes herself, sits down, and the OIC asks her to wait for a moment while we go find out how to get her an ID card. He says to me “Loki… follow me” - Remember that. It’s important later on. We go out the office, close the door and he takes me down the hall to another office (the chiefs). Tells me to call security and get them to forcibly come and remove this nutcase. Take her to the hospital off-base and have her checked in/out, whatever, but get her the hell away from our building. I do so. Until then, NEVER allow any door she is behind to be closed.

Security comes and gets her and takes her away. Story over? Not by half.

30 MINUTES later… I’m still sitting at my desk and it’s one of those chuckle situations. No matter what, I remember it and I start to chuckle. Hell, EVERYONE is worthless at this point as everybody just “all of a sudden” breaks out laughing.

The SIDE DOOR busts open like it just got kicked in.

“LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIII” comes this banshee scream and I look up to see this completely, 100% naked female, running down the aisleway (cubicle farm with low cubicles you can sit at and see over around all the desks). I’m wondering who is screaming my name and realize it’s HER (I’m gonna KILL my LT. Until then she knew I was Petty Officer Chaos. Now she knows my first name and is screaming it). Every body is looking up… all the clerks, customers.. everyone. She runs up to my office, runs in. I squeeze by her and run out. There is NO FUCKING WAY I’m gonna remain in my office with this naked nutbag. I’m screaming at my chief “Call security… get the fucking cops” while playing a game of tag. She’s chasing me, I’m avoiding her. She goes right round a desk… I go to my right. Straight out of some comedy routine.

My fucking officer in charge is PEEKING out of his office and as I glance over at him for help, he slams his door shuts and locks it (damn drinking buddies anyway!). What happened to “Lead from the front”???? Anyway… she starts to settle down and I finally get her into the back area where the pay office is. I chase everyone out, but the chief, and have this lady sit down. She’s calm.

“I just want my ID card”

“I can see that. Where are your clothes?”

“Clothes?”

“Yes, clothes”

“The hospital took them”.

“And why did you leave the hospital?”

“I had to see you, you’re the only one that understands”. I have no clue what I did to deserve this honor, but there it is… If she was built like Jessica Biel, it would be one thing, but we are talking sherman tank and NOT in that sleek weapons kind of way. Brute force ugly.

20 minutes later, base security shows up. They’ve got her clothes that she had discarded right outside the door (I thought the hospital took them?) and they get her into the bathroom and dressed. Turns out that they originally got her the first time, escorted her off base, and just dropped her off outside the gate. So she climbed the gate and got back in and decided to honor me with her nudity thinking that would get her an ID card. I tell security to MAKE SURE to take her someplace that has mental facilities. She’s a nut and needs help. They say OK.

Story over? Nope…

It’s been 4 hours. Everything is back to normal. People are working. Things are cool.

The phone rings. It’s the local sheriff’s office informing me that my wife has been arrested.

So, I go “HUH? I just talked to my wife 15 minutes ago. She was at home and she was getting ready to bake some…. Hold on a minute. Please describe my “wife” to me.”

So, they describe this loony fucking women to a T. Apparently, security had YET AGAIN taken her off base. She spent some time doing whatever it was she did, and eventually she got arrested for trying to climb the fence to get back on base. She resisted arrest and started tearing off her clothes and by the time the lone sheriff had her under control, she was naked on the highway. They arrest her and she tells them her husband's name is Loki and he works at the PSD (human resources kind of office) on base.

That night, I tell all this to my wife who spends 4 or 5 hours laughing, not only with me, but AT me as well.

Story over? Nope…

3 weeks later, we have an awards ceremony and the call is for “Loki, front and center”. Now… I’m the LPO… I KNOW everyone who is getting an award, as I’m the one responsible for starting the process. I'm NOT getting an award. WTF??? This Officer gets me up front, walks to a wall, where there is a little sheet hanging. He pulls off the sheet and reads the inscription on the PLAQUE so that everyone can hear it:

‘Presented to Loki for selfless service in the issuance of ID cards, Customer Service and the pursuit of adequate mental health care.’

DISMISSED.

To this day, if someone yells my name out loud…. I get fucking jumpy.

And yet… it’s only ONE of the hilarious happenings that occurred at that duty station.