Thread: Hodgepodge

One day , back in high school, we all arrived at our usual seats in the cafeteria for lunch break . Stupid me starts reaching in my pockets only to discover I forgot to bring any money with me ( other dudes notice this also ). So 1 turn to my #1 bro and ( as the smile spreads across his face ) I say " dude I'll pay u back tomorrow can you lend me $2bucks ". Not wanting to turn down a perfectly good opportunity to be my best friend The Prick - he laughingly smiles and says " nope ". Everyone around see this also, but I have no pride I wanna eat , so I start going down the line to " nope nope nope " - and they were 'feeding off' one another and having a jolly good time .... at my expense. Finally I reach a sympathetic soul way at the end of this long table ( the dickeration hadn't quite reached there yet ) and I got .50cents . Just enough to buy me a Snickers Bar. So I get said delicious , sweet revenge Snickers Bar and ( since I've won on the joke - I actually AM gonna eat somethin ) I'm smiling at them as I approach the table , peeling the wrapper back nice and slow like you would a banana .... I start wagging my head back and forth as I raise this scrumptious candy bar towards my pie hole , all as I'm lowering to sit down, and, just as my teeth start to sink in ................. I sat on a TACK ! the mutherfkers put on my chair. "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAH !" exclaimed I. My friend Duffy screamed and pounded on the table at the same time ( just to add to the dramatic effect).... meanwhile everyone for 3 tables around starts laughing hysterically as I fall to the floor saying " YOU FUCKERS !".
THIS ... attracts the attention of the room monitor who comes walking over and whom, with about 2 seconds worth of analysis, decides that I'm the source of the commotion and the yelling whereupon he says to me " you down to the Dean's office " . Right now I'm a little pissed and I have no pride or dignity so it ain't beneath me to take someone down with me and I say " Mr. Smith it wasn't just ME ... HE yelled too ( as I was pointing at the Duff ) so I ain't goin unless he goes too ". It must have been convincing cuz he says " alright YOU go too Duff " ( which changes his whole attitude from ha-ha funny to yooooou DICK ! ). So we go walkin off towards the Deans Office. After we're outta sight Duff takes a detour to the mens room and I follow him in there. Amidst saying to me "you prick, u baby" the Duff does one of the smartest things he's ever done ( trust me ) and he goes over to the sink and splashes water on the front of his shirt. " What are you doing ? " ( pointing his finger ) " We're gonna tell Mr. Sack that you accidently spilled water one me.. THATS why we we're yelling , so stick to the script ". Next : Y r u guys here ? " well Mr. Sack blah bla bla bla ". " Get out of here ". it worked. Sweet victory. Moral ? A good story might save you, but being a smartass always comes back to stick you in your ass.

Bitches- Can't live with em can't live without em. Especially the really hot ones. On the one hand ya hate em , on the other hand you WANT em (please Lord just one ...or , if ur really lucky , another one ). But sometimes they're out of your 'class' - like Seniors who ( even if ur not bad looking ) won't give u the time of day , or sometimes act like you smell and are carrying a particularly contagious form of the Ebola virus. Such was the case one Friday when about 5 of us lowly sophomores were in the livingroom area of our 1st floor dorm having some beers and warming up for the night ahead . At one point the entrance door swung open , and 3 of the hottest hotties entered looking for some all-important male SENIORS who ( unfortunately for these Queenies ) were known to hang out with us some of the time . After a few smugly asked questions about where the Alpha-males could be found , they haughtily exited w/o so much as a " thanks ".
Joe : " Well that was fun doncha think ?"
"Fuuuck that " says I. ( Luckily these Queenies had to walk down a hallway to get to the door that led them outside, and the sidewalk went right past our 1st floor windows.) That gave me just enough time to do this: I grabbed an unopened can of beer and started shaking it as violently as I could. As they appeared , I hopped on a chair right below one of the open windows , stuck this can of beer perfectly on my crotch , shouted " hey girls I got a present for ya " and popped the tab. Out GUSHED the most perfect 10ft stream of foamy white "beer" you've ever seen. To make it even MORE perfect , the initial stream lost thrust for a second or two, sort of backed up, then 're-surged', and it repeated this process until it 'petered-out' . After a few seconds of shock , yes , even the Queenies laughed.

(I just wish I could gush this hard in real life ... on second thought that just might kill me so .......)

Honestly I was hoping that creating this thread would open a door for everyone to share some of their humorous stories . That IS why it's titled Hodgpodge. So ... I'm hesitant to add another story cuz I don't want anyone to think this all about one guy ( it isn't and PM me if you'd like me to STHU ). Anyways , at the risk of coming off as seemingly self indulgent , I'll add another one.

One day, back in high school , I made really good contact and hit a blooper-Texas Leaguer-Duck Snort ( for u Hawk Harrelson fans ) down the left field line. Normally this is just a single, but as I was reaching first base I saw the ball kick over the the foul line and start rolling like it had backspin on it , so I thought " hey why not try and stretch this into a double " so off I went. About half way to second I realized that the left fielder was no slouch and had really hustled after the ball and was hell bent on throwing me out . This was rather disconcerting cuz I don't like making dumb decisions (remember that) but it was too late to turn back now so I kept going. Somehow all of this information I was trying to analyze ( in the span of like one and a half seconds while I was running at top speed ) combined itself in a way that short-circuited my 'brain' , which was then even more over-loaded when I started thinking " do I slide do I dive do I slide do I dive " . I did neither ( it took too long to compute ). This is what happened next : I jumped almost straight up into the air ( kinda like jumping off a diving board ) Next, I found myself arcing through the air, and, with the horrifying thought ( from analyzing my 'trajectory' ) that I was going to over-shoot the bag. No such luck. I hit it like a javelin. When I un-jaggled my thoughts.... the ump was staring at me like The Great Kazoo had just landed in the infield ( or more accurately impaled himself into 2nd base ). My teammates were all pushing and shoving and laughing with each other in the dugout. A few of them were pointing at me as if to say " Duuude ! Classic ". My coach was sitting in the dugout, legs stretched out , arms folded, head tilted to one side, staring off to some unknown point in space like an embarrassed parent with nowhere to hide who's just been forced to admit " Yeah he's one of MINE ".
Luckily , the ump was giving me the safe signal , much to the disgust of the shortstop ( who actually said " WAAAH "!? ) cuz he had 'kept the tag on me' hoping for the right outcome. I say 'right outcome' cuz when I looked down there was actually about 2inches between me and the bag, but it was on the outfield side so maybe he didn't have the right angle ( or maybe he saw how much pain I was in so he gave me the benefit of the doubt. Either way I thank him. ). Then, to show how stupid my brain had gotten , the honest side of me almost said ( I could actually feel the words crawling up my throat ) " he's right ump I'm off the bag ". Luckily, I kept my mouth shut cuz sometimes ya just gotta say " fk honesty " - I mean : you don't tell little kids there is no Santa Claus right ? ( unless ur a dick )..... but that's another story for another day. Out.

Fortunately ( at least for most of us ) truly embarrassing moments only happen once in a blue moon. If it were otherwise we'd hear the phrase " he's ruined , send him off to the mattress factory " i.e. 'the nut house' , a lot more often cuz sometimes ..... people are dicks.

Shortly after arriving at the college of my choice ( actually it was the first place that 'accepted' me ), one of the first things I learned about cafeteria etiquette was- 'save everyone at the table 'another' exhausting, annoying trip to the pop machine' (which could be as FAR as 30yds away) by volunteering to take any cups that needed a refill with you . That's cuz they provided us with these little tiny plastic cups that must have been stolen from the kindergarten down the street ( or maybe they were being nice and trying to delay everyone's inevitable progression towards diabetes, I don't know ). Anyways , one day it was my turn , and I had already done this approx. 1,692 times so .. no worries. I set off with 4 empty cups. About a minute later ( in a crowded cafeteria , doing the slow tricky, keep-the-cups- balanced-walk ) I was about half way back to my table - the table all my 'buddies' were sitting at - when one of them ( Dicky I believe it was ) decided that this was a good time to 'pants' me, and he pulled down my gym trunks. What resulted was a glorious Fart In Church Moment (only this one was completely unfair cuz I hadn't farted). And, .... isn't it truly amazing how wide your peripheral vision becomes in a moment like this , and also, how people can sense that 'something's happening' and their heads snap simultaneously in your direction like you've just turned into a giant dong ? Anyhow, at this moment I had two options: 1) keep my composure, smile and finish the task ; 2) immediately drop the 4 cups filled with pop on the floor ( while shouting " YOU ASSHOLE!" ) and splattering about 20 people who would have wound up being mad ... at me. I chose option 1 and continued on , doing the duck-walk all the way, MUCH to the delight of the dicks (er I mean buddies) at my table ( who we're in on it ). Oh and the reactions you take in : some dudes laugh out loud , some just grin , some sit there with the letter "O" frozen in place on their mouths, some just glance ho-hum then keep eating their French Fries etc. Girls are similar and different . In addition to the above some cover their eyes, some smile, some frown, some stare at your underwear covered 'package' a little too long ( which can be annoying and exhilarating at the same time .. don't know why ) , and some stare at you with pity cuz they're sure you are about to explode into a million pieces due to the embarrassment ( cuz they know they would ).
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't freaked for a few seconds - but after that I was just like " fk it you got me " and I laughed right along with them. Cuz sometimes either it's that - or you can take the ride to The Mattress Factory.

Hope some of you enjoyed that. Peace out.

To avoid linking to a years old thread, I'll just cut-n-paste...

True story of Loki’s humiliation… I’ll try to translate military terms to civilian usage for those that are military-impaired….

I was LPO (middle management supervision) of an activity that did many things, but one of them was we issued armed forces ID cards to active duty, dependents, retiree’s, etc… I have 60 some people working for me, but only 4 in this particular section. It’s lunch, Friday… I hear my clerk telling her customer “Ummm…. I’ll have to check with Petty Officer Chaos (that's me!) about that” (name changed to protect the soon to be humiliated).

She comes back to my office and says she has a problem issuing an ID card. “Why” sayeth I, literally asking for my doom. “She’s a nut” is the answer I get. Ok…. I’m off to the desk…

“HI… I’m Petty Officer Chaos… How can I help you?”

“I need an ID card”.

“I understand that. Can I get your ID card application or expired/mutiliated ID card?”

“I don’t have it”

“May I ask why?” (And yes, EC… I’m very profession at work… at first!)

“Because I’ve been in a coma”. (Ok, not the strangest thing I’ve heard at this job.)

“Ok, can I get your sponsor’s SSN so I can verify eligibility?”

“I don’t know it”

“Again, may I ask why?”

“Because the coma was induced by the aliens who erased my memory”

“But you remember that you are entitled to an ID card?”

“Yes, I was married to Sailor Name for 16 years before I was abducted”

“Ok, how long ago was that?”

“25 years ago”

“Ok, so 25 years ago, you had been married for 16 years and you were abducted by aliens?” By now… I can see the other customers slowly scrunching forward or to the side trying to better listen. “How long were you with the aliens?”

“10 years”

“So you were released 6 years ago. Where have you been?”

“I just recently remembered that I was married and should have an ID card.”

“Ok, where is your husband?”

“He had a divorce filed after my 5th year of abduction and has since died."

“Ok… please wait here, I’m going to go talk to the officer in charge”

Open door…. Close door. “Sir, I’ve got a loony out here”. I explain story, he says to bring her in. I retrieve her.

Open door. LEAVE DOOR OPEN (thank god!!!).

I explain the situation to the OIC. Loony nods at the appropriate places, and officer asks the right questions, then the fun starts…

“Ma’am, you’ll have to admit this is a really strange scenario.”

“You think I’m lying? Here, then WHAT IS THIS”… and she stands up, turns around, pulls her skirt up over her head, bends over and moons the officer and I with her bare ass while screaming “They did alien probes and experiments on me. SEE THOSE SCARS? SEE WHAT THEY DID TO ME?” while me and the officer have our hands up over our eyes, panicing because she is YELLING, the door is OPEN and the administrative assistant is looking thru one of those little windows that sometimes connect bosses and their secretary offices. I’m scrambling to close the door, the OIC is yelling “don’t touch the door” and “Ma’am would you SIT DOWN”. She does. The level of conversation outside the office has gotten loud with people gawking, laughing, etc…

She fixes herself, sits down, and the OIC asks her to wait for a moment while we go find out how to get her an ID card. He says to me “Loki… follow me” - Remember that. It’s important later on. We go out the office, close the door and he takes me down the hall to another office (the chiefs). Tells me to call security and get them to forcibly come and remove this nutcase. Take her to the hospital off-base and have her checked in/out, whatever, but get her the hell away from our building. I do so. Until then, NEVER allow any door she is behind to be closed.

Security comes and gets her and takes her away. Story over? Not by half.

30 MINUTES later… I’m still sitting at my desk and it’s one of those chuckle situations. No matter what, I remember it and I start to chuckle. Hell, EVERYONE is worthless at this point as everybody just “all of a sudden” breaks out laughing.

The SIDE DOOR busts open like it just got kicked in.

“LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIII IIIII IIIIIII” comes this banshee scream and I look up to see this completely, 100% naked female, running down the aisleway (cubicle farm with low cubicles you can sit at and see over around all the desks). I’m wondering who is screaming my name and realize it’s HER (I’m gonna KILL my LT. Until then she knew I was Petty Officer Chaos. Now she knows my first name and is screaming it). Every body is looking up… all the clerks, customers.. everyone. She runs up to my office, runs in. I squeeze by her and run out. There is NO FUCKING WAY I’m gonna remain in my office with this naked nutbag. I’m screaming at my chief “Call security… get the fucking cops” while playing a game of tag. She’s chasing me, I’m avoiding her. She goes right round a desk… I go to my right. Straight out of some comedy routine.

My fucking officer in charge is PEEKING out of his office and as I glance over at him for help, he slams his door shuts and locks it (damn drinking buddies anyway!). What happened to “Lead from the front”???? Anyway… she starts to settle down and I finally get her into the back area where the pay office is. I chase everyone out, but the chief, and have this lady sit down. She’s calm.

“I just want my ID card”

“I can see that. Where are your clothes?”

“Clothes?”

“Yes, clothes”

“The hospital took them”.

“And why did you leave the hospital?”

“I had to see you, you’re the only one that understands”. I have no clue what I did to deserve this honor, but there it is… If she was built like Jessica Biel, it would be one thing, but we are talking sherman tank and NOT in that sleek weapons kind of way. Brute force ugly.

20 minutes later, base security shows up. They’ve got her clothes that she had discarded right outside the door (I thought the hospital took them?) and they get her into the bathroom and dressed. Turns out that they originally got her the first time, escorted her off base, and just dropped her off outside the gate. So she climbed the gate and got back in and decided to honor me with her nudity thinking that would get her an ID card. I tell security to MAKE SURE to take her someplace that has mental facilities. She’s a nut and needs help. They say OK.

Story over? Nope…

It’s been 4 hours. Everything is back to normal. People are working. Things are cool.

The phone rings. It’s the local sheriff’s office informing me that my wife has been arrested.

So, I go “HUH? I just talked to my wife 15 minutes ago. She was at home and she was getting ready to bake some…. Hold on a minute. Please describe my “wife” to me.”

So, they describe this loony fucking women to a T. Apparently, security had YET AGAIN taken her off base. She spent some time doing whatever it was she did, and eventually she got arrested for trying to climb the fence to get back on base. She resisted arrest and started tearing off her clothes and by the time the lone sheriff had her under control, she was naked on the highway. They arrest her and she tells them her husband's name is Loki and he works at the PSD (human resources kind of office) on base.

That night, I tell all this to my wife who spends 4 or 5 hours laughing, not only with me, but AT me as well.

Story over? Nope…

3 weeks later, we have an awards ceremony and the call is for “Loki, front and center”. Now… I’m the LPO… I KNOW everyone who is getting an award, as I’m the one responsible for starting the process. I'm NOT getting an award. WTF??? This Officer gets me up front, walks to a wall, where there is a little sheet hanging. He pulls off the sheet and reads the inscription on the PLAQUE so that everyone can hear it:

‘Presented to Loki for selfless service in the issuance of ID cards, Customer Service and the pursuit of adequate mental health care.’

DISMISSED.

Same office building, same job. One of the other sections I have responsiblity for is Discharges and Reenlistments (D&R). Just what it sounds like, except we had the additional responsiblity of doing discharges for the people getting kicked out for whatever reason. If you were no longer wanted, and just getting bascially FIRED, you came to us and we did the paperwork. This was, at the time, for the entire Western coast. As well as most overseas people. About 40 to 50 dirtbags a week, pluse 20 or so good guys at the end of thier enlistment, coming thru an office that is staffed with 6 people for this purpose. There is no time for any bullshit.

One of my clerk's was in an arguement with some dude. Obviously, the dude was getting kicked out because those getting out at the end of their hitch are generally happy-go-lucky and really easy to please. "Yea.... whatever...". They just didn't care, they were on their way out. Dirtbags, etc.. were usually a bit hostile and that is why I had my biggest guy working there, and I spent a lot of time in that section. Violence was not an unheard of thing (yea, security really loved us!). Anyway...

I go over to see what the raised voices are.

"Sir, calm down." He keeps yelling.

"Sir, CALM down." He keeps yelling.

"SIR, CALM DOWN." He keeps yelling.

"CALM THE FUCK DOWN", which results in him finally shutting up and is the warning klaxon to the entire office that Loki is pissed, someone is about to get their ass handed to them, and the officer and chief need to be found and informed that there is, yet again, another "issue" going on in D&R. Loki is on the scene, and has been known to get physical when these dirtbags take a swing. Which explains why me yelling like that always resulted in a small gathering of "witnesses".

"Ok... what the hell is the problem and why are you yelling at my people?"

"I want them to redo my DD-214". DD-214 is discharge papers, and they explain everything you did during your service, as well as WHY you are getting out and what type of characterization (honorable, other than honorable, etc.) you get. These can REALLY have a HUGE effect on future employment.

"Excuse me? I review every DD-214 done. Is there a misspelling?"

"No, I want her to change my reason."

"To what?"

"Bi-sexual"

"Excuse me?"

"It says homosexual, and I'm not. I'm BI-sexual". Clerks start tittering with muffled laughter.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm NOT HOMOSEXUAL!". The crowd grows, my officer has sat down in a chair about 10 feet away and is watching. The chief has done a face-palm and is walking away, no doubt to get security on the phone.

"Ok... you're not homosexual?"

"No"

"Then why does the paperwork I have say you are?"

"Because, they don't...."

"Hold on. Let me ask you a question. Do you suck cock?"

"What does that..."

"Answer the question. DO YOU SUCK COCK at any time? I know you're "BISEXUAL" (I even did the finger quotes), but that would mean that you enjoy the company of women AND MEN. So, once again... DO YOU SUCK COCK?"

"Yea..."

So, and picture this all in about a 1.5 second time-frame, I look at him, take my finger and point it right in his face. Finger is about 3" from his nose and I say, as loud as I can..."HOMOSEXUAL!!!!!" in the same way some Baptist would scream "Halleluah!" The image below is EXACTLY what happened, except I was in a Navy Uniform. I turned around, walked away and sat down.

He signed his discharge papers and left.