NFL Shower Rankings - Week 4
Every Tuesday morning, I sit in the shower and meditate on the state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This week, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me.
1. Steelers (3-1): Happy “Check Your Tits” Month from the NFL.
2. Jets (3-1): It’s that damn Sanchez. He’s so hot right now!
3. Ravens (3-1): Like a reliable booty call, Flacco came through late for the big score.
4. Falcons (3-1): Roddy Piper never victimized a guy’s backside that savagely.
5. Texans (3-1): Foster: Australian for Fantasy Steal.
6. Patriots (3-1): Dolphins cancel postgame meal at PF Chung’s.
7. Saints (3-1): How long has Quagmire been moonlighting as the Saints mascot?
8. Packers (3-1): More ironic: Black RB named Arian? Or White RB named Kuhn?
9. Colts (2-2): After a loss like that, it must feel good to call your opponents jags without getting fined.
10. Chargers (2-2): With Joe Frazier on the sideline, Shaun Phillips failed to pull off the Apollo Creed sack dance, shuffling feet and throwing fake hooks while yelling “You next, Joe!”
11. Bears (3-1): Most sacks on a Bear QB since the infamous Craig Krenzel Teabag Hazing of ’04.
12. Chiefs (3-0): Random Bye Week Observation: C3-PO would have a tough time calculating the odds of KC being the league’s last unbeaten.
13. Redskins (2-2): McNabb standing-O the most emotionally uplifting athlete reception since the Beacon High student body did the Wolf Dance.
14: Bengals (2-2): When the Browns sting that bad, you better check the paper for blood.
15. Titans (2-2): DC Chuck Cecil intends to appeal his $40K fine, utilizing the Maverick defense. Namely, he’ll claim that he was “Communicating. Keeping up foreign relations.”
16. Eagles (2-2): Vick injury would be more painful if I hadn’t already exhausted my Ron Mexico material.
17. Broncos (2-2): Not to be too math specific, but if Kyle Orton is your leading rusher, then your team has fewer dimensions than the convex uniform tilings of the Euclidean plane!
18. Giants (2-2): Giants improve to 27-0 against the spread the week after Tom Caughlin loses the team.
19. Dolphins (2-2): Special teams need special ed.
20. Cowboys (1-2): Random Bye Week Observation: Miller Lite and Miller High Life seem to be at odds with their ad campaigns.
21. Vikings (1-2): Random Bye Week Observation: Christopher Nolan and Zack Snyder will reboot Superman with General Zod as villain. Fuck yeah? Fuck yeah!
22. Buccaneers (2-1): Random Bye Week Observation: The web is awash with irrefutable visual evidence that Chad Ochocinco owns a Dick Towel.
23. Jaguars (2-2): In the end, Peyton Manning’s face was almost as long as Josh Scobee’s leg.
24. Rams (2-2): S-Jax ran hard, despite his injured groin and the baby girl pacifier he was forced to use as a mouthguard.
25. Seahawks (2-2): Matt Hasselbeck spread the ball around to 10 different horseshit receivers.
26. Cardinals (2-2): I used to rob banks with a guy named Max Hall.
27. Browns (1-3): T.O. had 10 catches for 222 yards and a TD, but he would have traded it all for a win. Or a contract extension. Or a new TV series. Or the maternal attention he so desperately craved as a sad and lonely child.
28. Raiders (1-3): Raiders committed only 2 penalties. Are we finally seeing the results of having Referee Pitman as head coach?
29. 49ers (0-4): Jesus: “Hey Mike, listen. Would you mind taking off the giant cross necklace on Sundays? At least til you guys win a few? Kinda feel like it sends the wrong message.”
30. Lions (0-4): Jim Schwartz already hard at work designing a game plan for next week’s 1-point loss to the Rams.
31. Panthers (0-4): Jon Stewart launched his Rally to Restore Fantasy Relevance.
32. Bills (0-4): These guys give up points like a Weight Watchers washout.