NFL Shower Rankings - Week 5
Every Tuesday morning, I sit in the shower and meditate on the state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This week, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me.
1. Steelers (3-1): Random Bye-Week Observation: Kind of ashamed of how bad I want to see Jackass 3-D. Beehive Tetherball cinched it.
2. Jets (4-1): Jets win despite the most laughable 4-minute drill since Sparkle Motion.
3. Ravens (4-1): Remember in Blazing Saddles when Mongo swaggers up and punches the living shit out of a horse? So does Josh McDaniels.
4. Falcons (4-1): Kroy Biermann’s sensational play was the best grab by a D lineman that didn’t result in Shaun Smith being fined.
5. Patriots (3-1): Random Bye-Week Observation: Battle between Tom Brady’s Bieber hair and Randy Moss’ hobo beard is my Underplayed Story of the Week.
6. Colts (3-2): Wolverine!
7. Saints (3-2): Alliterative Headline: Fortunate Fumbles Foil Favorites
8. Bears (4-1): Todd Collins surpassed Kerry Collins as the Quarterback Collins most likely to appear as if playing under the influence of Tom Collins.
9. Texans (3-2): Still upset over the ’94 NBA Finals, New York decided it was Houston’s turn to feel the sting of a Hakeem.
10. Redskins (3-2): Mike Torain’s 2.5 yards per carry made it seem like Clinton Portis was never injured.
11. Eagles (3-2): Is it just me, or does Kevin Kolb look like the product of Joshua Jackson traveling to the Fringe alternate universe and utilizing their superior technology to impregnate Jeremy Renner?
12. Packers (3-2): Packers more banged up than Kelly Bundy’s hairdo.
13. Giants (3-2): Best showing by Nicks since Cannon and Lachey pulled off a legendary diva soft swap.
14: Titans (3-2): Titans have won every other game this season and 11 consecutive vs the NFC. You’re a pussy if you don’t bet your life’s savings on Tennessee over Philly in Week 7. A fat whimpering pussy with low-hanging, leathery outtie lips.
15. Chiefs (3-1): Chiefs loss means it’s time for our annual shoutout to the ’72 Dolphins. I hope each of you dies crippled, brain damaged, and filled with soul-crushing regret.
16. Chargers (2-3): This must be how the Cobra Kai felt when Daniel LaRusso finally got his.
17. Buccaneers (3-1): In light of the recent accomplishments of Cody Grimm and Sabby Piscitelli, I apologize unreservedly to every white man who dares to occupy an NFL secondary. May God bless you and one day restore your sanity.
18. Jaguars (3-2): Stop drop and roll, Josh Scobee, cuz your right leg is ON FIRE!
19. Bengals (2-3): cpalm9 @terrellowens#toolatetotweet Put down the phone and let’s practice your PBU technique. –CP9
20. Dolphins (2-2): Random Bye-Week Observation: Chilean miners should get all proceeds of the inevitable movie based on their experience.
21. Cardinals (3-2): Max Hall reminds me of the overly brave small kid in Smear the Queer who refuses to give up the ball. You know he’s gonna get crushed. The recess lady knows he’s gonna get crushed. Hell, even he knows he’s gonna get crushed. But he’ll be damned if he’s gonna let that stop him from getting crushed.
22. Vikings (1-3): Take your pick from the following: (A)Jeez, for a guy who’s always been touted for his pocket presence…(B) Favre wanted 7 there but he'll have to settle for 3 (C) Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, “I’ve got my hands full with the Jets.” (D) “Garbage can” voicemail will be remembered as the worst pass Favre ever made. (E) Brett shows command of the short slant. (F) The NFL investigation concluded that the penis clearly belongs to Favre, stating that “the purple helmet was a dead giveaway.” (G) Who would have thought that would be the sack that ended the streak?
23. Cowboys (1-3): 2010 team may be the most overhyped thing to come out of Dallas since Vanilla Ice.
24. Broncos (2-3): Kyle Orton and Brandon Lloyd have accounted for more “deep connections” than the combined cast of Bachelor Pad.
25. Rams (2-3): See:Oleskie Pinko
26. Seahawks (2-2): Random Bye-Week Observation: Cake farts. You know you wanna see it. Why not check it out when you’re done with Oleskie Pinko?
27. Raiders (2-3): Is there a more emasculating stat than holding a team to a -1.3 yd punt average? As if the modest honor of giving back the ball is still more than your opponent deserves.
28. Lions (1-4): Haven’t felt this good for the Lions since Simba and Nala made sweet, sweet love under the Serengeti stars.
29. Browns (1-4): After literally jumping over the top of Atlanta’s Brent Grimes, Peyton Hillis was officially stripped of his Caucasianity. I knew he was faking it.
30. 49ers (0-5): Singletary: "I think a pretty decent football team is 0-5." Um, what’s that say about their coach, Coach?
31. Panthers (0-5): Combined passer rating for the 4 QBs who played in this one: 10.9. Critics are calling it the worst aerial display since the climax of Iron Eagle.
32. Bills (0-5): The Bills are showing signs of improvement in their 11th rebuilding year.