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(Disclaimer: the following article was NOT written by a life-long Chicago Bears fan, as he was rendered apoplectic by his team's loss to the Green Bay Packers. After giving him several Schedule-3 narcotics in an attempt to calm him, we were informed by a family member that he often opines about the Bears as a Yahoo! contributor. As a staff, we decided that giving Mr. Walker the opportunity to express himself would have the greatest therapeutic value, so we interviewed him and transcribed his remarks. The reader should be aware that Mr. Walker was wearing restraints at the time of the interview, and that he remained violently angry even after having been given horse tranquilizers. His uneven remarks follow.)
(staff): So, can you tell us the final score of the game?
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(patient): (The patient responded with a series of unprintable expletives, at which point the staff instructed an orderly to hit Mr. Walker in the forehead with the BFH before the interview continued.)
(staff): I'm sorry, I didn't get that. The final score was what?
(patient): Green Bay 10, Chicago 3.
(staff): You seem uncomfortable with this. It's only a football game.
(patient): Only a football game?! It's Bears-Packers, you (series of unprintable expletives)! The Packers and the Bears have hated each other ever since George Halas duped Curley Lambeau into buying a plot of ground that turned out to be an ancient Micmac burial ground.
(staff): Micmac burial ground?
(patient): Yes, yes, complete with curses, poltergeists, and something that later turned out to be Ray Nitschke.
(staff): We're getting off track here. Why does this particular score bother you so much?
(patient): Oh, what, now you want facts and examples? Have you ever heard of a little thing called "offensive balance"?
(staff): Explain it to me like I don't watch football, because, well, I don't.
(patient): Friggin' communist…anyway, offensive balance is when your team runs the same number of passing plays as running plays.
(staff): And why is that important?
(patient): Because when you run too many of the same kind of play, it makes you predictable. The defense knows what's coming, so they can attack with impunity.
(staff): So, you're upset because your Bears did not display this…(waves his hands)
(patient):…offensive balance, no they did not. The Bears ran the ball 20 times and passed it 39 times. When you're passing the ball twice as much as when you're running the ball, you're predictable.
(staff): But what if the passing was effective?
(patient): (series of unprintable expletives) Did you even watch the game? Jay Cutler(notes) couldn't have stunk it out worse if he was Wisconsin limburger! He averaged 2.6 yards per pass attempt, got sacked six friggin' times, and threw two picks!
(staff): So…I'm guessing that, ahh, that's bad?
(patient): Lookit, chuckle-head, we didn't steal him from the Denver Broncos to be a (expletive) Bears quarterback; we stole him to be a real quarterback! Sexy Rexy or Neck-beard Orton could have put those numbers up! Hell, Cade McNown did! We got Cutler to be better than this!
(staff): But maybe the Bears weren't running the ball very well…
(patient): Matt Forte(notes) was killing them! Killing them! He was averaging 6.1 yards per carry, and that's better than Jim-By-God-Brown! He had 91 yards on 15 carries! He had 8 catches for 60 yards! He should have touched the ball a hundred times! What is it with Lovie Smith and Mike Martz, anyway? Somebody find them that NFL Films clip of Vince Lombardi at the chalk board growling about getting a seal here, and a seal here, and running the play in. The. Alley. Gaaaaaah!
(staff): Maybe the Packers had something to do with Chicago's offensive difficulties?
(patient, after breaking a strap and getting the BFH again while being re-tied): Them? Affect us? Sounds like irresponsible internet gossip to me…
(staff): Hey, I have the internet right here. Some guy named Mike Silver swore up and down that the Packers were going to win this game. Is he smart or something?
(patient): Or friggin' something. Just because the guy used to work for Sports Illustrated before being the big fish in the little Yahoo! pond doesn't make him clairvoyant…like Ray Lewis(notes) said, even a blind accomplice to murder gets the occasional acquittal…or was it something about squirrels and nuts…friggin' meds…
(staff): I don't know, Mr. Walker, but it seems like you could take this with a bit more equanimity. After all, I'm looking at this playoff scenario thingy and it says that your team has two seeds or something?
(patient): No no no you red-shirted ensign, we are the number 2 seed in the NFC playoffs. That means we get to have a week off and play a game at home in the playoffs.
(staff): Hey, Green Bay made the playoffs, too! Couldn't they, like, beat you again or something?
(The recording is stopped while several orderlies were called in to subdue Mr. Walker with BFH's while his restraints were doubled and his Ketamine drip was increased.)
(patient): Where were we?
(staff): I was just asking you if Green Bay could beat you again, since they made the playoffs, and then you did this turn-green-and-get-really-huge thing that scared me into a pants change.
(patient): Okay, yes, technically, the (expletive deleted) Packers (the patient spat) could (choke) beat the Bears again…but then again, given the way our offense offended everyone west of Calumet City, the by-god 7-9 Seattle Seahawks could beat us.
(staff): Hey, lookit that. This thingy here says that the Seahawks did beat you guys once already this season. How cool…
(patient): (growling)
(staff): err, how awful, yes, awful is that?
(patient): No, the awful thing will be a solid two weeks of having to listen to pundits and prognosticators of all shapes and stripes suggesting that my beloved Bears have less right than the stinkin' Seahawks to be in the playoffs at all.
(staff): Not knowing much about this foot-the-ball game, one does wonder how your team stacks up against the other teams in the playoffs, given this less-than-stirring performance.
(patient): They'd better get it fixed by January 16th or the plate of crow that I've gotta eat right now will be nothing compared to what's waiting for me if the (expletive) Packers (the patient spat) win and we don't…
(staff): Okay, Mr. Walker, it's time for you to take a nap now. Remember, what do we do after we wake up? Say it with me:
(both): Ignore the comments. Ignore the comments. Ignore the comments.
(tape ends)
Sources:
Yahoo! Sports
NFL.com
Youtube.com
Big F—- Hammers, Inc., makers of the world's oldest form of anesthesia! *Note: This article was written by a Yahoo! contributor. Sign up here to start publishing your own sports content.
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