Bar joke

I was waiting in line to go to the Orange County Fair here in Orange County California. Howie Mandel was performing and my friend and I were excited to see him. There was a lady he was offering free tickets to anyone who could tell a joke. She approached the group in front of me and asked them to tell a joke. This is what one person said:

A heavy-set woman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm.

She asks "Can I have a rum and coke?".

The bartender looks at her and says "Sorry but we don't serve fat pigs".

The woman looks at him confused and says "Well, it's a duck."

And the bartender says "I was talking to the duck!"

Three guys walk into a bar, the fourth guy ducks. See what I did there?

A baby seal walks into a club

....thank you

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door, The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door 'You can't leave that lyin' 'ere!' to which the man replies, 'Its not a lion its a giraffe!

A termite walks into a bar and asks: is the bar tender here?

ah cha cha cha!!

A man went to visit a friend at a bar and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."


"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

A horse enters a bar, and asks for a shot and a beer.

'No problem.' replies the bartender

As he pours out the beer he asks,

'What's with the long face?'

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."


The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.


He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."