Thread: The Onion's Super Bowl XLV Preview

http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/ar...w-guide,19039/

Aaron Rodgers

STRENGTHS: Sees the field almost too well, so is sometimes distracted by unevenly cut grass or poorly painted on-field lines; best time-out calling mechanics in NFL; uses mobility and quick feet to escape shadow of Brett Favre

WEAKNESSES: Your knees, when you stare directly into his piercing eyes; for unknown reasons, many of his pass attempts are met with hostility by certain other football players who attempt to obstruct the ball or even physically assault Rodgers himself; can make all the throws, but struggles with the incomplete pass

PERSONAL MOTTO: Work hard, be born with incredible talent, never give up, also be born with charming good looks, be a good teammate, have several million dollars, and good things will happen to you

FAVORITE PLAY: The one where you don't hear a loud pop and then black out for 30 seconds

CONCUSSIONS SUFFERED: Waffles and freshly squeezed orange juice; Lake Superior; sort of a shiny purple


Donald Driver

STRENGTHS: Best player in league at smiling after the catch; phenomenal jumper, but also remarkable at standing perfectly still; great route runner in the way that's actually not a euphemism for "slow as ####"

WEAKNESSES: Expressing emotions such as sadness, anger, or surprise; brings a fire to the game, which the league is tired of reminding him is not only against the rules but also the law; makes the game look easy, which really doesn't help the players union's cause in labor disputes

SIGNATURE MOVE: Runs right past everyone in secondary while informing cornerback that he's supposed to cover Packers receiver Greg Jennings

DID YOU KNOW? Driver had the chance to be a world-class high jumper but instead opted to pursue something that isn't ####### stupid

CONDITIONING: Muscular lips capable of grinding out an extra smile late in the game



Charles Woodson

STRENGTHS: Won the Heisman Trophy, which, come to think of it, has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on this game; unique ability to line-up anywhere on the field except, for some reason, the 36-yard line; disguises blitz by dropping back into coverage right after he sacks the quarterback

WEAKNESSES: Always trying to do Heisman Trophy pose in midair while jumping up to intercept ball; cannot be in two places at once, which is unfortunately crucial to the Packers' zone-coverage schemes; catlike reflexes and instincts actually a huge detriment considering cats are terrified by running men and thrown footballs

INTANGIBLES: Woodson adds an element to this team that is nearly impossible to explain, so we won't

PLAYING STYLE: Laid-back hip-hop with jazzy hard-bop influences

REAL MOTIVATION FOR WANTING TO VISIT WHITE HOUSE: President must be warned of something crucial to future of the nation, and Woodson cannot reach him through standard diplomatic channels


Clay Matthews

STRENGTHS: Able to tackle all players, even those who don't desire to be tackled; thick shag carpet matches the long drapes; dislikes not hitting people

WEAKNESSES: Sacks actually his second favorite statistic behind the obscure "Tackle After 10-Yard Gain"; sometimes a little sloppy when wrapping up birthday presents; was just trying to pet the lady's soft hair

TRAINING REGIMEN: Has studied judo and jiujitsu to increase his ability to scream long strings of vowels at opponents

COLLEGE CAREER: Refused to take "you scare us" as an answer and chose to walk on at USC anyway

SIGNATURE MOVE: Uses 8,000-rpm spin to drill deep into the field and burst out from the ground beneath the unsuspecting quarterback


Mike McCarthy

STRENGTHS: Never-ending source of thrilling sound bites such as "We'll address that after the Super Bowl," "That's a nonissue for us," and "We're just here to play football"; known for wild offensive trickery such as the "fake handoff" and "wide-receiver screen pass"; carefully scripts touchdowns for first 15 plays

WEAKNESSES: Relies on an entirely different guy to do most his defense; becoming the next Norv Turner is still perfectly within his reach; calls several dozens plays a game and can't once call his mother?

COACHING PHILOSOPHY: Balances offense with mix of brilliant plays and boneheaded calls

CONTROVERSY: Got pretty fired up during the Favre controversy with a now infamous outburst of "Dang it all!" during a press conference

ENJOYS: Hiding face behind laminated play sheet and then popping up and yelling “peekaboo” to entertain younger Packers


Packers Fans

STRENGTHS: Whatever muscles one uses to lift 340 pounds of lard out of bed each morning; unwilling to let work, family, religion, or even basic necessities like health and shelter stand in the way of their devotion to the Packers; best fans in the world

WEAKNESSES: Discussions about the 1970s or ’80s; are the last fan group in the United States to still perform the Wave; pretty much takes a tiny little Packers jersey to get them to love their kids

AVERAGE INCOME: 3.2 season ticket packages per annum

FAVORITE SAUSAGE: Sausage

OTHER INTERESTS: None


Ben Roethlisberger

STRENGTHS: Defensive ends and blitzing linebackers have trouble getting a grasp on his misshapen head; remarkable ability to avoid tacklers, prosecution; because his offensive line sort of sucks ####, has figured out how to extend plays indefinitely

WEAKNESSES: Getting people to like him; periodically does things that make Tony Dungy open his big sanctimonious mouth; still can't ride a motorcycle worth a damn

SUPER BOWL GOAL: To use the win or loss to his advantage after the game

NICKNAMES: Big Ben; Scumbag; Alleged Assailant; #####; That’s My Sister, You ####### #######

VISUALIZATION TECHNIQUE: Concentrates all game on tubing on a lake behind a ski boat driven by his dog while a woman *******s him


Hines Ward

STRENGTHS: One of the most agreeable #######s in the game; block on Keith Rivers received harsh critical reviews but grossed $12.5 million worldwide; great blocking receiver, mangling receiver; unlike some Steelers receivers, can in fact catch a cold

WEAKNESSES: Cheap shots could be a little more discreet; is not a natural-born U.S. citizen and therefore is ineligible to be elected league MVP; one of those guys who always has to touch you when he’s talking

SUPER BOWL PREPARATION: Looking at game film to determine which Packers turn their backs long enough for him to cheap-shot them

WELL-KNOWN FACT: He will definitely get his, and it ain’t gonna be pretty

PUBLIC IMAGE: Considered a role model in comparison to James Harrison


James Harrison

STRENGTHS: Has given NFL $3 million in fine money prior to game so he can feel free to tackle helmet-first anytime he wants, which shows good strategic thinking; good at murder; plays Steeler football, whatever the hell that means

WEAKNESSES: Steelers need him so bad that it’s a little pathetic; family pit bull only bit him after he bit pit bull first; can be lured offsides by the color red, shiny objects, or human food

DISLIKES: Rules, other people

DEGREE: M.S., mathematics and quantum mechanics, University of Cambridge

REDEEMING QUALITY: Headhunts for the thrill, not for the money



Troy Polamalu


STRENGTHS: So good, only needs to play 75 percent of season to be named Defensive Player of the Year; eight-year veteran at strong safety, but reads offenses at a 12th-year level; is behind you right now

WEAKNESSES: Style of play should have him paralyzed by third quarter of Super Bowl; only zooms around the field to where the ball is because he wants to be included; Polamalu is actually a fictional character in Ike Taylor’s imagination, and will disappear when Taylor realizes he has been the one making the Steelers’ big plays all along

NUMBER OF TIMES TROY AIKMAN AND JOE BUCK WILL TALK ABOUT HIS HAIR: Zero—Aikman and Buck are consummate professionals who would never stoop to that level of inanity

SUPER BOWL GOAL: To play entire game without ever having his feet touch the ground

ACTUAL NAME: David Dinkus


Mike Tomlin

STRENGTHS: Summoned the hypocrisy necessary to trade Santonio Holmes for pot infraction but keep Ben Roethlisberger; can manage and motivate an entire 40-man roster of elite athletes while staying on one side of white line; only decided to coach the Steelers after finding out there was no Neil O’Donnell, Kordell Stewart, or Bam Morris

WEAKNESSES: Has shown he is capable of occasionally losing games; often makes players feel like they’ll never be as cool as him; is only like 22 years old or something

AMOUNT OF BUSINESS IN ATTITUDE: 100 percent

CLIPBOARD: Brown Sparco 00893 Hardboard with Nickel-Plated Clip

NUMBER OF YEARS UNTIL HE IS A HAS-BEEN COACH JUMPING FROM FRANCHISE TO FRANCHISE, TRYING TO BRING CHAMPIONSHIPS TO A LONG-SUFFERING FAN BASE BUT ACTUALLY SERVING AS A BURNT-OUT MONEY-SUCKING HUSK OF HIS FORMER SELF: Eight


Steelers Fans

STRENGTHS: Somehow pull off rooting for a team that always wins without coming off like Patriots fans; good at waving things, spinning things; best fans in the world

WEAKNESSES: Still sort of like Terry Bradshaw; still sort of cheer for Ben Roethlisberger; even the personal towels in their homes are pretty terrible

CATCHPHRASE: "Yeaaahhhaarrryawooaghrghggh!!!"

RESPOND WELL TO: Being told to make noise; being told to make more noise

INFLUENCES: Sam Kinison; Attica Prison riot; howler monkeys