The Onion Presents; "The Life and Times of Al Davis"

Sportsgraphic

October 14, 2011
The Life And Times Of Al Davis

He was a coach, an owner, an executive who hired the league's first minorities in key positions, a vindictive boss, and a litigation-happy gadfly. We list the man's most notable moments in an effort to define Al Davis.

1942: At age 13, stood in front of mirror, slicked back hair, felt pretty good about self.

1966: Davis and Pete Rozelle begin classic business relationship of making millions of dollars together while wanting to kill the other person.

1969: On what is perhaps the greatest day of his life, Davis both hires John Madden to coach the Raiders and buys his first pantsuit.

1980: Ken Stabler looks at Davis a little funny, is traded.

1984: Meets Jerry Jones for the first time, sizes him up, and passionately embraces him in the only meaningful hug either man has ever experienced.

1991: Dies for the first time.

2003: Marcus Allen inducted into Pro Football Hall of Fame, where he recounts his proudest moment: fucking Al Davis' wife.

2004: Moves the team back to L.A. for a few days just because he hasn't done anything dickish in a while
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I know it's not polite to dishonor the dead but a lot of this probably accurate. Besides, I never liked the jerk anyway.