July 4th vs. Thanksgiving - Tale of the Tape

Discussion in 'Anything But Football' started by Bearstuff, Jul 3, 2014.

  1. Bearstuff

    Bearstuff Yes, in the woods. Staff Member SuperFan

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    [​IMG]
    Czabe's politically incorrect holiday comparison


    [​IMG]
    By Steve Czaban [​IMG]


    Published July 4, 2006 at 5:03 a.m.
    (Editor's note: Based on the way this "column" arrived on Tuesday -- as an Excel spreadsheet, full of typos, all in caps and with no formatting, it seems like Czabe fully enjoyed himself this long holiday weekend. Anyway, we cleaned up his ramblings as best as possible and present this comparison between the Fourth and Thanksgiving. We can't guarantee that Steve was sober while writing this -- all we know is that following chart is his opinion and his only.

    ItemFourth of julyThanksgiving
    Holiday vibeGo ahead, I dare you.Hey! Behave. It's thanksgiving!
    Days off3 day weekend4 day weekend
    Historical celebrationTelling Nigel and company: "F off mates… we can make our own tea, and we don’t' want no stinkin king!Broke bread with Tonto to celebrate surviving one stinkin' year in this uncivilized hellhole
       
    Gambling opportunity3-team WNBA teaser2 glorious NFL games, both on TV
       
    Sports related activityWhip cream twisterTwo hand touch football
       
    Table mannersCavemanMartha Stewart
       
    Food servedFried chicken, burgers, dogs, BBQ, corn, cole slaw, fries, beans, chipsTurkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, cranberry sauce, stuffing
       
    Alcoholic consumption16 Schaeffer lights, followed by passing out on a dirty blanket5 glasses of red wine, followed by nap on the couch
       
    Post-meal entertainmentTopless Frisbee with three chicks you just metListening to great uncle Harold tell stories about LBJ
       
    Best looking chick to look at"Kylie," a 23 year old paralegal who happens to work weekends at the local strip joint to save money for "grad school"Cousin sally, who is a 33 year old accountant that looks like Rene Zellweger in “Bridget Jones'” diary
       
    Chances for getting someLike walking into a women's prison with a fistful of pardonsVirtually none
       
    PantsOptionalDockers
       
    Mayhem momentShooting a roman candle into your buddy Sal's top down 325i convertibleThe dining room clearing out, when you blast a silent but deadly "onion casserole nose curler"
       
    Best thing that can happenYour car is where you left it in the morningLions cover 13 point spread with straight up win a 500 two-team moneyline parlay
       
    Worst thing that can happen"Dude ... She was only 16, and her dad says he's going to testify"Your family doesn't speak to each other for 10 years because of one slightly off-center remark
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  2. Bearstuff

    Bearstuff Yes, in the woods. Staff Member SuperFan

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    This dude, Steve Czaban, is the host of the morning sports show I listen to every morning. He's hilarious. Love his dry, sarcastic humor and his penchant for saying what no one else will (for fear of losing their sweet broadcasting job).

    Heard him mention this (and read on air) earlier and thought some of you would enjoy.
  3. little bear

    little bear Assistant Head Coach

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    There's nothing like listening to uncle Harold's LeBron James stories. lol
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  4. Bearstuff

    Bearstuff Yes, in the woods. Staff Member SuperFan

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    For reference, he went over this as a sort of Jimmy the Greek checkmark scoring system. July 4th got 10 checks, T-Day got 5.

    He used this 8 year old article to justify why he has to have a "big production" July 4th celebration each year.
  5. soulman

    soulman Pro-Bowler SuperFan DBS Writer

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    Sounds about right to me. All but the part about winning $500 on a Lions game. LOL
  6. Loki

    Loki Assault Admin Staff Member

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    lol @ "Like walking into a women's prison with a fistful of pardons"
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  7. Loki

    Loki Assault Admin Staff Member

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    Nothing I like more from an advertiser is the willingness to skewer themselves in the name of humor (and sales).

    Newcastle did a great job of it this year with their Independence Eve commercials:









    But, as far as I'm concerned... The very BEST commercial for this 4th was by Guinness:

  8. Ski-Whiz

    Ski-Whiz George Halas Staff Member

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    not to hijack this but I hate it when people raise a shit storm when you use the term "Merry Christmas".

    to me the thanksgiving NFL games make that the better holiday! Even if it is the shitty lions. Lol
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